Category: Life Updates

General updates on life

How to Enjoy Being Stuck on a Train

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Real life!! Sometimes you get stuck in a train that for whatever reason, has decided to stop moving. Lesson #1: it’s more fun to be stuck on a train when you anthropomorphize the train. this is true of many things, but also of trains. It’s just having a little trouble today. Running a little sluggishly.

Usually there’s some kind of bullshit explanation that your actual conductor will provide. For example, “There is a power failure downtown.” Thanks, dude! That was super helpful at assisting in my survival for the next hour (let’s hope not…). I think my next lesson is much more helpful. Lesson #2: Ensure your smartphone battery is 100% charged going in. This could be also enhanced by a backup battery, which I have ordered. Conveniently, I followed this advice today, and I’m still at 95% as of this moment. This is something to be grateful for (Lesson #3: find small things to be grateful for). Other things to be grateful for? I have a seat. I am not pregnant. That one for do many reasons, but I feel like being stuck on a train pregnant would suck. And I’d probably have a panic attack that I was going to give birth in the train.

Unfortunately, I have not followed all previously learned lessons, because Lesson #5 is bring food. Always. And I do not have food with me today. Cough drops, yes. Real food? Sitting in my fridge.

Lesson #6: Blog. This is a new one, so maybe it should be noted as *possible* lesson. Seems prudent, perhaps even a good use of time. Maybe?

And look at that! We’re moving.

And I’m sure I’m boring you. But one more. Lesson #7: listen to shitty pop music. This one is sure to delight, even a hungry, tired Shannon. Night, y’all!!

I’m Back!

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After a long hiatus, I have returned!! It’s a new year, and I’m ready to be writing again.

The past nearly year has certainly given me things to write about, but I have felt restricted, both because of work and because of maybe just growing older and feeling a bit more private, and that perhaps the internet does not provide that. But I’m throwing that out the window, in hopes with the hope that no one very important is reading my words. And that if they are, I will become famous and fabulous, a la Dooce. And if not, whatever. Life will continue. Hopefully.

So let’s see…since May, I have ended a relationship, recovered through the fantastic efforts of running and improv, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer and subsequently went through surgery, my aunt was fatally hit by a bicycle and I just had really truly the most wonderful Christmas season that I remember.  I think I have become much more comfortable in my life, in my job, in my Self.  I feel confident (generally) about where shit is going, even if I really don’t know where I’ll end up.  I have, to some degree, simply been too busy to write, or at least too busy to write in a way I felt was adequately filtered.  So here’s to a new attitude of freedom.  I hope to just be more open.  Sometimes.  Oh!!! And most importantly, I got the iPhone 4S!  That’s super important.  So hopefully I can provide some updating on there.  Maybe even photos.

First, for the running.  I started running in August, as sort of an experiment, and then it ended up being a way to cope with the end of a relationship I believed would actually work (whatever that means).  It was an incredible help, and actually made the process pretty painless.  I started being proud of just being able to run 1 mile at a time, and I have now gone 4 miles.  Amazing, right?  I also am signed up to run in a half marathon in Nashville, TN at the end of April, which is super scary and super exciting.

We re-signed our lease, so I will be living in the land of the hipsters for another year yet, and that makes me so incredibly pleased.  I have been loving the hipster area, and my wonderful roommates.  I feel like I get this gift of being young, and I finally understand how awesome it is.

Improv.  I am saving the best for last.  I started taking classes maybe early August?  And I just began my level 3 classes this week.  It is so much fun, and I still get this knot in my stomach before performing, or even before I go to class, and it has been super rewarding to work past that, recognize it as just fear to work through, and get past that.  It has a curious parallel to running–both of them are difficult, but if you push through, so incredibly rewarding.  I do think they have helped me to live in the moment a bit more.  And running may have the chemical advantage, but improv is so. much. fun.  I feel like I get the awesome part of childhood (freedom! release! passion!) with the fantastic part of adulthood (money!).  Obviously, I still have certain responsibilities, but they are really truly limited.  I am so selfish in my life, and I love it!!  I know this cannot continue forever, but I just relish in it right now.  And that’s really cool.

I hope this finds you well also, and I do hope to continue the new year with more frequent updates.  Even if they are just about these new passions.

The First Quarter Century

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My birthday was last Sunday, and I turned 25. I keep thinking about awesome things to write about, but then I never get around to actually publishing things up here. I also have begun to worry about my schemes, and the effect of someone finding this blog who shouldn’t. I don’t worry a lot, but a little bit of worry is there. So I’m trying to manage that fear as well.

Anyway. My mom came up to visit for my birthday, and it was a fantastic–very chill, but nice to have her around. I’m exhausted, though, still. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the future, and what I’m looking to do this fall and beyond. I’m hoping to get to start taking classes as CUNY (the public school in New York City) to prepare for medical school. Exciting and scary, totally. Very very much. So…yay! That’s all for now. More soon.

The Morning

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I’m on my way to DC to visit my sister, friend Cayley and dad, who’s up visiting as well for the weekend. I was going to ride with my roommate, who was supposed to take his car back this morning, but he couldn’t get off of work today, so I am taking good old bolt bus instead. Taking the bus early on Friday is waaaaay better than the afternoon, which is mostly what I’ve done before. I also accidentally discovered a new service from amtrak that is like, under 3 hours to DC. It’s just that it costs $140. Lame.

Anyway, not my point. So I had to wake up super early to get on the bus. And though I hate waking up early, once I am up, I actually really enjoy being awake early. There is so much promise to the morning. And I think because I so strongly correlate it with trips, it makes it even more exciting and happy. But I have noticed something else when I’m up really early in the city. My neighborhood is totally different. So I live in Williamsburg, which I think I’ve mentioned, but for anyone who doesn’t know, it’s a neighborhood that’s gentrified more quickly than I think any other in New York City. It’s in Brooklyn, which has historically been looked down on by Manhattanites (excepting a few neighborhoods, very far from Williamsburg). But in the past few decades, it’s grown up quickly. I think with New York being safer, young people of means have settled into Brooklyn because it’s really close to Manhattan, very very easy to get to, and less expensive. Anyway. There are definitely still parts that are not great. But anything close to Manhattan has become prized. So where I live, there used to be mostly warehouses. The zoning laws changed i believe in the 90s, and since then, developers have been clamoring for space here. Really shittily timed with the recession though, so you have buildings like mine, where the entire building was supposed to be 1 bedroom luxury apartments, but the landlord couldn’t rent them out to single people or couples, so most of the building has been converted to 4 bedrooms. Yes, I live in what is technically a 1 bedroom apartment that has been converted into a 4 bedroom. There was a “study” that got walled off to be a bedroom, the master and the living room each split into two rooms. And there’s your 4. There are two bathrooms, but one is off of one of the rooms. So it ends up being 3 people sharing one bathroom, one person with their own.

Tangenting. Sorry about that (though, have you met me??). So usually I leave for work around 8am, which I think it pretty standard. New York tends to wake up late, stay up late. The train is always extremely crowded (sometimes I have had to wait for a second train. Seriously), and everyone is middle-class looking. They may look hipster, but more or less they look like they’re going to work in some kind of white-collar or artsy profession (does that have its own color? If not, might I suggest red? Too communist?). And it is so crowded. Have I mentioned how crowded it is? So when I have gotten up early, it is rare, but it happens, I notice a very different class. On the up side, the train is way less crowded earlier. But also the people on the train are more of construction workers, and people who look much more working class. I am reminded that there are poor people in my neighborhood. And I’m actually less surprised by that than that I don’t see them otherwise. The other time I’ve noticed this is in the middle of the day. I’ve occasionally had to travel during the day to a different site or something. And it’s like, woah! Totally different people. I just find this fascinating–people are not just separated by class by where they live, but also by what they are doing when. You can live next door to someone and not even realize it. I think about this as I listen to Robert Reich’s book, Aftershock, which discusses the economic meltdown, but more importantly, inequality. I’ve read a lot about inequality in the past few years. One of the more surprising things about it to me is that people in America just don’t notice it as much as I feel like they should. And the more I’ve worked where I’ve worked, lived in different neighborhoods in NYC, etc, the more I realize that people of means stay away from poverty because it’s uncomfortable, and then they’re blind to it, and don’t realize that it’s people who live in poverty. Children. Families. People just trying to live their lives.

I believe that us being separate greatly contributes to inequality. People living in poverty also have such a bizarre idea of rich people. They, too, see them as a different species, almost. They do not see themselves ever really being stable. They don’t even understand what that means. It’s frustrating, because obviously gentrification isn’t the answer. It prices people out of their homes, displaces people who are already vulnerable. But we can’t keep living such separate lives. People with power and money have to find ways to connect with others on a one to one level to feel empathy or sympathy for people living in poverty. And those living in poverty must learn to see a future for themselves that involves responsible use of money, and have opportunities to attain that. It’s just that if you don’t even know that’s a possibility, or what it looks like, how can you move towards it? How can you direct your children toward something with which you have no knowledge? How do we increase equality? I’m still struggling with this. I’m sure I will for a long time to come.

The Up Side to Work

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I bet you think I mean getting paid. Hah! No, you probably don’t. Because you know me. And you know how much I care about that [which is some, but not so much].

Last week, someone tested positive with our rapid test. He was extraordinarily upset. Almost fainted. I had to come in and calm him down, and he didn’t even want to get it confirmed because he thought his relationship was over and just totally and utterly destroyed. I calmed him down and took him to the lab to get confirmatory blood drawn myself. He was the first person I was directly dealing with who had just found out he/she was positive. It was not happy. But I managed to convince him to get it confirmed, and calm him down and we had a Social Worker come in to make sure he wouldn’t hurt himself.

The confirmatory test came back the next day, which, as it usually does, meant that it was nonreactive. But he was high risk (says one of our providers–I was a bit skeptical, but that’s a conversation for another day). So the provider ordered another test that would tell us, definitively, whether the patient had been infected at all, including if it were recent (days–the other test doesn’t say definitively whether someone is negative until 3 months after infection). The test came back on Thursday, and it turns out he is not infected. !! This is super exciting. Today, I got to tell him myself. And he was so relieved. And now he knows that his boyfriend would accept him, even if he were positive. Which has got to mean something about their relationship, and he probably actually feels MORE secure in it. AND he asked for condoms today. So, he’s trying to be safer. Yay! The whole story makes me so happy–from calming him down, telling him it would be alright, and then him turning out to be definitively negative. It’s so happy, and something that we rarely see. It’s so much more often where the person is upset, and then spends all this time trying to accept their status, and it causing all sorts of issues in terms of medication adherence and stuff. So it is really fantastic to have a happy story. I felt for this man (boy? He’s 22). He was so distraught about what this meant for his relationship. And I am so so so happy for him that this is behind him. It’s great to be able to say to someone, Hope to NOT see you around! Lovely.

Otherwise, I’m exhausted. DC this weekend, and I need it. I get to see family and my friend Cayley. Hopefully it’ll be warmer. And I’m taking off Friday and Monday to be able to go and have a relaxed, full weekend.

Choices

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I have always argued that choices are not as simple as they first appear. No, this is not about abortion. Certainly not just abortion. I am pro-choice, as a life-stance, not having to do with abortion, but including abortion. But also there’s this article in Slate about biases that are hidden. It is particularly about the biases “against” women going into math and sciences, but I definitely think it has broader implications.

I’m fascinated by this because as a woman and someone who is pretty mathematical and scientific, but for some reason, and despite the support of my mother in sending me to earth science camp at age 11 and computer science camp at age 13, “when it came time to pick a profession, ….[found my heart was] not in science and engineering.” Despite having built my own website via HTML coding by the age of 13 (which, to be honest, doesn’t feel like that big of an accomplishment these days, but still), when I got to high school, something shifted for me. Obviously, this is a personal experience. It is extremely anecdotal, and only one piece of anecdotal datum at that. But it IS my experience. And after reading an article like the one in Slate, and just generally hearing how few women there are in the math and sciences, I can’t help but wonder what my experience would’ve been like as a guy. I do remember feeling that even though my mom supported me, when my brother was doing less complicated computer stuff when he was 17, family members aside from my mom saying things that indicated that he “was” a computer person. And I remember thinking, “Hey! I did shit WAY more complicated than that 2 years ago. And I’m younger. And no one identified ME as a computer person!” Now, I don’t remember why I thought that. And I can’t blame my extended family for leading me away from being into computers. But I just know that for some reason, people couldn’t see me as someone who was a computer person. And I think this is talking about something really similar. It wasn’t that people didn’t WANT me to be into computers, it was just that my brother was introverted and male, liked to play video games. I was social and outgoing, and enjoyed being with friends, talking about intellectual things, and was articulate. He fit a lot more closely into the mold of who is “into” computers.

What I think this article points out is that making a decision to do something, whether it be which career to choose, or where to go to college, or whether to go to college, involves so many more factors, and is more psychologically complicated, than we give credit for. We want to believe, especially in the United States, that people have equal opportunity. And maybe they do, in a sort of technical way. But opportunity is sort of shaded, in that you can only take advantage of the opportunities that you can actually see. In the Slate article, Vedantam describes a recent study. I’ll quote.

Stout, Dasgupta, and their colleagues wanted to find out why women’s outstanding performance on science and math tests in high school and college correlates so weakly with their eventual interest in pursuing careers in those fields. In high school and college, girls increasingly earn math and science grades equal to or better than the grades of their male peers. But when it comes to choosing a career in math or science, more men than women choose to walk through those open doors.

The psychologists asked female students studying biology, chemistry, and engineering to take a very tough math test. All the students were greeted by a senior math major who wore a T-shirt displaying Einstein’s E=mc2 equation. For some volunteers, the math major was male. For others, the math major was female. This tiny tweak made a difference: Women attempted more questions on the tough math test when they were greeted by a female math major rather than a male math major. On psychological tests that measured their unconscious attitudes toward math, the female students showed a stronger self-identification with math when the math major who had greeted them was female. When they were greeted by the male math major, women had significantly higher negative attitudes toward math.

(emphasis mine)

This sounds familiar, now, doesn’t it?? I don’t think I there were any women who were into making websites. And I do remember that even at the computer programming camp I went to, the female friend I remember having was only there because her brother was there, not because SHE was interested in computer programming.

Even more astounding, “when Stout and Dasgupta evaluated how much the students identified with mathematics, they found that women ended up with less confidence in their mathematical abilities when their teachers were men rather than women. This happened even when women outperformed men on actual tests of math performance.” This is crazy–as Vedantam points out, even when women were outperforming men, they were less confident if their teacher was male. The context in which we live severely influences our views of ourselves/identity and I’m guessing our willingness to work at something. I think this has profound implications not just regarding gender, but race and even probably class. It is an issue of identity, and being able to identify with something, with being a college graduate, or a mathematician or a computer scientist or a programmer. Choice is a funny thing–it isn’t something that happens in a vacuum, but rather with so many factors weighing in, often factors we have little or no awareness of.

I remember being aware of this phenomenon of women being interested in the sciences and then uninterested later on when I was 13. I remember thinking, “I won’t let that happen to me! I love science!” and then it happening anyway. I got interested in chorus, and then by the time I got to college I feared I was so far behind that I would be terrible in science, so I avoided it like the plague until I HAD to take biology. And then I loved it but felt like it was too late. I keep gravitating toward science and math-y things, and so I think I need to just embrace it, and fuck the stereotypes. But maybe we all need to work to help the people around us identify themselves in a different way, a more positive and useful way.

Psych-Out Sexism [Slate]

The Crazies Return

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Just when you think you’ve gotten over something….it comes back to haunt you. Isn’t that how shit works? I’ve been really frustrated recently. With work, with life. Feeling strangely nostalgic, and feel like I need to do SOMEthing differently. Or different. Or something. I’m bored and overwhelmed and frustrated and excited and jaded all at the same god damned time. And I feel so self-congratulatory and don’t want to feel that any more.

There’s a massive thunder storm going on right now. And I totally feel like that. Or maybe like it’s about to happen, like it’s been building and I just need something to HAPPEN. I think this is my problem with the saving lives and shit–I just am not feeling fulfilled, somehow, still. And I am so frustrated by that. And whatever, maybe I just need to relax and live in the moment more. Find that place I was in 2 weeks ago, when nothing bothered me. I’m just not sure how to get there from here.

Craziness!

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I have been so MIA! I apologize. Really, things have been crazy, mostly at work, and just in general in my life. I got a new computer, so theoretically, I SHOULD be able to blog more. HAH! Alas, that has not panned out. But I intend for it to, eventually.

I’ve been trying to catch up on sleep, and not succeeding at all–I don’t even know where my time is going any more! I have been out of the loop with my friends and family, and it’s like I don’t even know where the time goes…though I did work an extra day in hours last week. Still, that’s only 42 hours. Which is a normal person’s work week. But I’m behind on my Google Reader (which means all my material and inspiration to blog is totally not. there.), and I feel like I haven’t even been able to catch up with the important folks in my life–family and friends.

On the flip side, it appears I have managed to conquer anxiety!! Even though work has been crazy, it is not driving me crazy, which is pretty stellar. I just need more sleep, and I’d be good to go! So. I’m gonna go work on that. And just know that you’re on my mind 😉 and we’ll talk soon.

Much love, blog world!

Praise and a Dog

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It’s always nice to be praised. I’ve gotten a bit of that this week, which is refreshing. Considering the complaining I sometimes do about life & my job, I’m trying to mindfully recognize the things that are GOOD. Today, my executive director pulled me aside and told me it was a “joy” to read my evaluation, and that she read all of them because sometimes she needed to tweak them, but that mine was a joy to read. So that was actually kind of awesome.

It’s somewhat bittersweet, only because I know other people don’t always get the praise they deserve, even when they’re really doing quite amazing stuff. So that is bothersome to me. But I do appreciate that I feel quite recognized. I don’t really feel under appreciated. And I have things I want to do better about, but overall, I feel like I’m juggling a hell of a lot of things fairly effectively, which is cool. I feel like I am finally in a place where I get to prove how much I can deal with, I get to really shine.

Also, we got a dog!!! I am so so excited about this fact, especially because it’s my roommate, Jason,’s dog, which I seriously think is the best kind. I get to hang out with him when I want, take him on walks if I want, but I don’t have to worry about the financial or time-consuming responsibilities of actually owning a dog. Of course, whenever Jason moves out, so does the dog, but pretty sweet deal for now!

No Envy and No Fear

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This is the title of a beautiful song by Joshua Radin, whose music I really like–it’s calming, sweet, gentle and relaxing.  Very nice.  And I’m needing that these days.  And I like that–have no envy, and no fear.  Good words to live by.

This year has been challenging, as I’ve said before.  The past few weeks have been such a mixed bag.  I’ve felt very up and down, frustrated I think overall more than I’ve been excited, unfortunately.  I’m extremely upset about what’s been going on in the House of Representatives, since on Friday, they voted to defund both public broadcasting AND Title X funds, which supports STI testing, cancer screening, family planning (at least contraception) and health education. Though neither of these incidents of defunding are expected to be approved by either the Senate nor the President, it is still disturbing to me. Though it has been really refreshing to see so many people on my Facebook wall posting about supporting Planned Parenthood, and seeing some incredible speeches where women explain from their personal perspectives why abortion must remain accessible to all women, and how ridiculous it is to call it genocide or ethnic cleansing of black babies. Though there are certainly issues with both these women’s speeches, fallacies in their logic, I think it sheds some light on the ridiculous of white men discussing these issues, claiming that this is a ploy to convince women to have abortions, or to kill black babies. As I’ve read about on the various fantastic blogs I peruse, it is important to recognize that abortion does not happen out of the context of culture. Perhaps more black women get abortions, but more black women are poor. And Republicans do such a great job supporting poor folks, right??! They offer a lot of options in terms of flexibility to raise your children the way you want, and support them financially, right?

I’m super sick of Republicans focusing on this instead of real issues, creating jobs, as Spier points out. Defunding Title X means removing funding from a program that has shown to SAVE the government over $4 for every $1 they spend. So, really, this is NOT about getting rid of the deficit.

Anyway, that’s all been quite disheartening, and I’m happy to see that it’s not just me who is paying attention, taking action and is outraged (somewhat related: see Wisconsin).

I’m excited about the energy I feel growing about these issues on the Left, that we need to fight for our right to control our bodies, to receive adequate health care, something we ALL need. So, as much as you are able, please speak out, donate, call your representatives. Show them you are paying attention. This shit absolutely affects us all.