Lean into the fear

90% of the time, I go to sleep thinking, “I am so fucking lucky.”. It’s not at all that my life is perfect. Far from it. But there are so many amazing things. I’m basically doing my dream job. And who knows how long it will continue to be that, but it allows me to pursue other interests as well, and I fucking love this city. It’s been a little over 3 years and 7 months, and I am still as head over heels as the day I met her. Again, not that there aren’t times when it’s annoying, when I’m frustrated by the lack of ability to grocery shop, or feel annoyed by all the friggin’ people. But overall, this place is magical. Seriously. And I have so. much. I can’t even complain because it’s all so amazing. I get to work with and influence people. I get to make a difference in people’s lives. I get to play with improv. I get to run. Part of me is scared shitless that I will lose it all somehow, instantly, and I fight that shit every day. But I am winning so far. I will not let that swallow me. I have discovered the best way for me to fight is to walk right into it. Improv and running have both been arenas where I’ve practiced this. Some days, I don’t want to do either. And some days I don’t. Others, I just do. And then it feels amazing. I don’t ever make myself. It is always a choice. I always end up choosing to go or do, but it’s recognition that that is a choice for the long term, and not giving into hedonistic, momentary tendencies. And I have learned (over time) to not judge the choice I make. Because sometimes it is amazing to just give in, and sometimes it’s totally okay.

New York City, I still love you!